The words no one wants to hear: It’s time for a loved one to transition into hospice care. But often that’s because there’s a lack of understanding about what hospice really is.
When a person is admitted into hospice care, it means their care team has shifted its focus from trying to overcome the medical issues affecting the patient – things like cancer, heart disease, or major organ failure – to trying to make the patient as comfortable as possible as they move toward the end of their life.
Hospice care, however, does not mean that death is necessarily eminent. It’s common for hospice patients to live longer than expected. One example is former U.S. President Jimmy Carter, who recently passed away at 100 following nearly two years in a hospice program.
Being sent to hospice is often misunderstood, and your senior loved ones, like you, are likely to have lots of questions and concerns. They may also have end-of-life needs that they’d like you to help them address. So, what’s the best strategy for comforting someone on hospice, talking to them about their situation, and ensuring they have everything they need physically and emotionally?
Be a Source of Comfort
When you love someone, you want to ease their worries and fix their problems. When they’ve reached the stage where hospice can provide the comfort they seek, there isn’t anything you can do to “fix” the situation. This may be a difficult transition for you to navigate, but providing them with support and comfort during their time on hospice might be the best thing you can do. Comforting someone on hospice can look like the following:
- Bringing sentimental gifts to show them how much they mean to you.
- Reminding them of good times with items like old photos of memories you shared together or thoughtful cards that express your feelings.
- Bringing practical comfort items like cozy blankets or sachets with soothing scents.
The best you can do, however, is to just be present. Spend time with them to take their mind off the situation. Often people are afraid to visit family members in hospice care, primarily because they don’t know what to say. But don’t let that be an obstacle, because you’re certain to regret missing your chance to support your loved one when they needed you most.
Things to Say to Hospice Patients
“How are you doing?” It may seem like a silly question or one that is setting you up for an embittered response. But it reminds a hospice patient that they still have life to live and what they feel or need is important to you. It’s important to let them know that they still matter and make a difference in your life.
“Would you like to do something together?” If they’re strong enough, you might make a visit to their favorite restaurant, take them for a drive to see their favorite park or their childhood home. If they’re not up for outdoor activities, you could watch their favorite movie or the TV show of their choice, read a book to them, or play their favorite game with them.
“Can I get you anything?” It could be something as simple as a cool drink or an additional pillow, or as specific as picking up their favorite dish, helping them draft letters to other loved ones or assisting in carrying out their wishes.
“I remember when we…” Show your loved one how much they’ve meant to you by reminiscing about times when you did things together, when they helped you out or when they accomplished something you admire. It will make them feel special and remind them that their life has meaning and won’t soon be forgotten.
“I love you…” Undoubtedly the most important words of all, and you don’t need to say them in a dramatic way to remind your loved one how important they are to you.
Things to Avoid Saying
“Everything happens for a reason.” When comforting someone on hospice, this or similar remarks sound insensitive to the ears of a person who has been told that they’re going to die because they diminish their intense feelings about the situation they’re trying to contend with.
“I can’t imagine going through what you’re experiencing.” It’s likely the person on hospice is having a challenging time grasping the situation themselves. This sort of statement is simply going to remind the person you’re trying to comfort of how dire their situation is, exactly the opposite of what you want to do. Also, it’s recommended you don’t tell them they’re “brave” because it could cause a great deal of anxiety to stress the gravity of the situation to a person who may not feel very courageous.
“I can’t handle this.” It’s important to try to keep your emotions in check when you visit your loved one on hospice because they need you to comfort them, not to feel as if they need to comfort you. Saying things like this makes the person feel like they have a responsibility for your well-being that they can no longer meet.
“You seem to be getting better.” While they may indeed be more lucid or have more energy after being transferred from aggressive medical treatment to hospice care, the fact is they’re in the middle of a difficult situation which is accepting they’re not going to get better. Stating otherwise can be counterproductive by stirring up inner conflict and even triggering denial in the hospice patient. It’s important to be kind but honest with your loved one if you want to support them in their end-of-life journey.
