How to Approach Your Family When You Can’t Care for Your Parents

Lately, you have found that your senior loved one needs a higher level of care that you aren’t qualified to provide. You may be exhausted, frustrated, depressed, or overwhelmed by your responsibilities. You may feel guilty that you are not meeting the responsibilities of your spouse and children. Yet, telling your family that you can’t care for your parent or act as primary caregiver makes you feel like a failure and a disappointment to those who have counted on you in the role of caregiver.

So how do you tell your family, including your parent, that you can no longer be the primary caregiver?

Get Past the Guilt

Caregivers, by nature, are nurturing people who “step up” when someone needs help. Therefore they are very reluctant to step down from offering that help. Couple this with the real or imagined negative judgments of your family when you decide to stop being the primary caregiver. The pressure, and damage to your feelings of self-worth, can cause your resolve to weaken.

Although guilt feelings can be normal, you need to focus on what is best for your senior and yourself. You need to realize your ability to care will become increasingly inadequate and, perhaps, even dangerous for you and your parent.

It might help to think about how you will present this message to your extended family. Write down the reasons for why you no longer can be the caregiver. The process may confirm for you why you are giving up the role, and in turn bolster your resolve.

The Family Meetings

You may need all that resolve to tell your family what you have decided. Some members may resent your decision, recognizing that they might have to play an increased role in caregiving. Some of the animosity may even go back to family issues from years ago. And family members who live at some distance from the parent may not know the kind of sacrifice and effort required to support Mom or Dad.

Tensions might run high, and several conversations may need to take place for a resolution. You may be family, but you are bringing together a group of people with different points of view and different communication styles. Stay calm, but firm. Have your talking points ready and make it clear that you aren’t telling your relatives what to do. You are simply telling them in a direct but non-confrontational way what you are no longer able to do.

Ask for their thoughts, suggestions, and options, but state the reasons you can’t care for your parents or act as primary caregiver, clearly and without apology. Those reasons might include not enough time to meet your own multiple responsibilities, your own health is at risk, or the financial impact has become too great.

Conversations with the Parent

The most difficult conversations will probably be with your parent. Again, clearly state the reasons you can no longer provide them with the support he or she needs, such as your work schedule will not allow you the time needed to be in the senior’s home, or you are no longer physically able to do the housework or tasks that require lifting.

Also, have some options prepared if they want to know what can be done. Some options may include another family member who will take over the caregiver role, in-home health services, or consideration for assisted living. Suggest a period of transition to different care scenarios, so that the senior does not feel like he or she is being abandoned.

Difficult but Necessary

The process of transitioning out of the primary caregiver role can be a painful one. Remember that you have done many good things as a caregiver, and one of the best things you can do is to understand when it is best for you and your loved one to find the support and acceptance that you both deserve.

Everyone needs a helping hand sometimes. Find the support that you and your senior loved one need at Bethesda. Schedule a tour at one of our St. Louis-based communities or learn more about our in-home services.