Originally published on November 10, 2017 by Ken Druck for Next Avenue.
Becoming a smarter, stronger, more self-caring version of yourself is both freeing and empowering. Oftentimes, life gets busy, especially when we are caring for a senior loved one. However, self-care is vital to the senior caregiver experience to help avoid burnout.
I recently discussed the concept of self-care and the ways to set yourself up for — and avoid sabotaging — the way you take emotional and physical care of yourself. After you agree that you are worthy of self-care and will overcome the factors you let stand in your way before, you’re ready to move forward with these seven steps to self-care:
Step #1. Make the Decision to Change the Way You Take Care of Yourself
Undertaking change of this magnitude and importance takes courage, humility, conviction, and a vision of your best possible future. These steps allow you to say “Yes!” to yourself. You have a right to do the things that make life better, easier, less stressful and more joyful and to say “No” to the people and things draining and depleting you. Sustainable change requires a promise that you make to yourself: “I will do whatever is necessary to become the better (more self-caring, self-respecting) version of myself.” You may not know exactly how you’re going to change the deeply ingrained, habitual thinking and behavior, but you are 100 percent committed to finding out and following through.
Step #2. Define Your End Goal
Begin to sketch out how you want it all to look and feel after you’ve succeeded. Perhaps you’re sleeping longer, exercising regularly, eating better and speaking to yourself with greater kindness and compassion. You may be ready to hand in your resignation as someone’s doormat, whipping post, dumping ground, and enabler in favor of a more reciprocal relationship. Or you may be a “pleaser” who’s ready to face your own fears about letting people down.
Some of us have gotten used to following the elephant around the circus with a shovel. And we’re just waking up. Something is shifting inside of us, declaring, “Enough!” and “It’s time!” We are ripe for a change.
So, whatever your end goal, take the time to state what it is. Write down your desired outcome, as in: “The return on my investment of learning greater self-care is going to be ______.”
Step #3. Make a List of Things and People to Whom You Need to Say “No”
Write down 15 people and things to which you need to learn how to say “No”. Begin each sentence with “The people I need to learn how to say ‘No’ to are …” or “I need to learn how to say ‘No’ when . . .” Some of us are born caregivers, pleasers, and rescuers. Having spent a good part of our lives taking care of other people’s needs, we almost automatically say “Yes” to others who seem to require assistance. We do this even if the result is neglecting our own health and well-being.
But now it’s time to stop putting yourself and the people you cherish at risk by overcommitting to things that are not in your best interest. Prioritizing and saying “No” may be quite difficult in the beginning. Old feelings of guilt, obligation, and responsibility are hard to kick. After a while, however, you’ll begin to feel 100 percent better and thank yourself for staying strong. The people who matter to you will still love you, and the ones who depended on you to say “Yes” even when it wasn’t right will not hold power over your self-worth any longer. The results of learning to say “No” speak (loudly) for themselves.
Step #4. Lighten Your Load, Unburden Yourself and Allow Yourself Some Pleasure
Although it may be terribly difficult, it’s time to begin letting folks know that you’re in the process of making a change to improve your caregiver experience.
Learning to delegate, share, and assign responsibility to others, like any new skill, takes time and practice. You may be unaccustomed to the patience, kindness, encouragement, and support you get from others. And you may be unfamiliar with the act of giving yourself permission to turn off the computer and phone, and just take a hot bath. Don’t let the old voices of self-criticism, fear, and condemnation weaken your resolve, as they once did. Continue to recognize how to lighten your heart and your load. Set yourself free to delight in and savor the goodness of life. Most of all, give yourself permission to be happy.
As a senior caregiver, you may find that you’re unable to give the best care to your senior loved one (and yourself) when you are stretched too far. There are plenty of options available, such as Care Management and Senior Support Solutions services offered through Bethesda that can help with the challenges of the senior caregiver experience.
Step #5. Listen to Yourself
Sometimes the best source of wise counsel comes from within. Stop, go to a quiet place, take a deep breath and tune in to yourself. Listen to the inner voice that tells you to “slow down,” “relax” and “take it easy” — the one that gives you the encouragement, strength, and guidance you need to take care of yourself in the best way possible. Listening to the kindest, most patient, supportive, forgiving and nurturing parts of yourself is always a good thing when it comes to self-care. So, stay strong. Don’t allow any of your self-care saboteurs to talk you out of what you now know is best for you.
Step #6. Find or Create Self-Care Opportunities in All Your Relationships
The choices you make in your relationships are as much a reflection of your willingness and ability to practice self-care as any other factor. Relationships are also one of life’s greatest testing grounds for discovering, learning and practicing self-care. Balancing taking care of your relationships with family, aging parents, kids, friends and co-workers with taking care of yourself is one of life’s greatest challenges. Keep reminding yourself that you can do this!
Step #7. Pat Yourself on the Back for a Job Well Done
When it comes to taking better care of yourself, every step forward, including baby steps, is worthy of an encouraging, congratulatory pat on the back. You did it! Despite the fear and resistance that comes with change, you are summoning the courage and strength to become the better, more caring version of yourself. This is difficult (inner and outer) work, not to be taken for granted or glossed over. By stopping and appreciating yourself, you are creating a better you, and in turn becoming an even better senior caregiver.
Self-care is your hand resting gently on your heart. Giving yourself your due has nothing to do with selfishness, entitlement, arrogance, or taking food out of someone else’s mouth. Self-care is a gift born of a humble gratitude for the life you’ve been given and the person you are. Self-care is a work in progress. So, take every opportunity to implement and improve your master plan. Don’t wait until a crisis or the end of your life to grant yourself permission to indulge in loving self-care — or to finally feel deserving of it. Do it now!
Ready to put a new self-care plan into action? Let’s do this! Click here to print your own Self-Care Action Plan.
If you are the primary caregiver for a senior loved one, and you need a helping hand, contact Bethesda. We know that self-care is important for a positive senior caregiver experience, and we offer services that can help ease the burden.
